Where Do I Go From Here?

The earth is cold
The fields are bare
The branches fold against the wind that’s everywhere
The birds move on
So they survive
When snow so deep
The bears all sleep to keep themselves alive
They do what they must for now
And trust in their plan
If I trust in mine, somehow I might find who I am

Chorus:
But where do I go from here?
So many voices ringing in my ear
Which is the voice that I was meant to hear?
How will I know?
Where do I go from here?

My world has changed and so have I
I’ve learned to choose
And even learned to say goodbye
The path ahead’s so hard to see
It winds and bends but where it ends
Depends on only me
In my heart I don’t feel part of so much I’ve known
Now it seems it’s time to start,
A new life on my own

Chorus:
But where do I go from here?
So many voices ringing in my ear
Which is the voice that I was meant to hear?
How will I know?
Where do I go from here?

You Yourself

Hi, people deciding where you want to go or what you want to study.

I am in your very position as of right now the moments I am typing these words and in this season of my life.

I want you to know that (in a way I am writing this to tell myself these) you are not alone.

I want you to know that regardless of what people tell you, at the end of the day, you have to decide for yourself, for the sake of your own happiness because it is YOU that is living YOUR life and not them.

Most of the people I seek advice from tell me to pursue my interest and the things I am good at. [Note: My mother would always exaggerate this point (I got bored of it already) – “Oh, so if I’m interested in (insert your own perception of negativity) then I’ll go to that lah?”] Context, mother, context!

Anyway, I trust that you will make wise decisions concerning your “interest.” It is only the unconventional people who are willing to take risks and live radically that….in short, just be wise and as long as your conscience is right.

If you are thinking about giving up your studies to pursue a career (whatever that is) think carefully, it won’t be an easy path. (Advice from a magician friend).

Regardless of what people tell you, listen to yourself.

You must know a least a little about your personality, your preferred workplace habits, your study style, your stress level, your values, and then work with them.

If you don’t know where to start, start with the Carl Jung or Myers Briggs personality test.

For the sake of your happiness.

“When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life.”

#truestory as in I experienced this myself

Reading articles online concerning college debt, sugar daddies, going to elite schools, and reading the book David and Goliath by Malcolm Gladwell had given me a different perspective on tertiary education.

Sometimes, going to a less elite/prestigious school would do you much good.

Sometimes, going to a prestigious school would do you much damage.

It’s all up to your personality, how you take things in and handle it.

If you’re a fan of conspiracies, aha! Maybe you’ll know what I am talking about.

I need to learn to channel the things I know into my decision-making. God help me.

Accept that sometimes, people don’t see things the way you do because the things that you know are different from the things that they know. They meant it for good – they helped you see what you really want and caused you to follow your heart instead of their words.

Till then…

Till I edit my thoughts again..

letting this sit

Where Do I Go From Here?

“You’ll see how everything will fall into place, and it will be, beyond your imagination.”

Two North American (N/A) Highschool Diplomas

remembered something: if a person is really that great, time will tell and works will prove itself, he or she does not have to say it. “Let someone else praise you, and not your own mouth; an outsider, and not your own lips.” 

I need to learn to keep quiet about my “achievements” or the things I did in school, it might have shown the fool that I am rather than the “intellectual” or “erudite” that I had wanted to appear.

Anyhow,

Two North American (N/A) Highschool Diplomas in the 90s and 80s.

Managed to get a good average, because there was no math or science subjects. It starts with a 9-

All my marks from mid terms increased except for the one I never thought would dropped. It dropped, by a large 4%!


Should I continue in Sunway where everything is there? A new much desired campus building with a lot of alone time space, perhaps a job at MBL (My Burger Lab), the MRT! (but my uncle said it won’t be complete that soon), my bed, my room, stress level = maintaining a 75% scholarship, Acts Klang, serving in church, getting to know the people in church more

Should I go to UTAR for a uhmm (i’m not that confident) subject – English? A place where I can learn to be more independent, a haven, an escape, break away, if no scholarship I can probably afford to just pass my subjects.

Should I apply abroad? A lot of people would make a lot of noise, relatives.

If there’s so much I must be,

Can I just be me

The Way I Am

Can I trust in my own heart?

I am a small part of God’s great big plan. 

time is ticking and God will be faithful because many times I have asked God to show and to prove to me His faithfulness and He spoke through Ps. Philip that  He will do so in this season.

I can demand what I want?

I would like to go where You want me to go. My purpose is in You. This life is not about me. You know the times, the future. You hold my future. I can make plans but only Yours shall and will prevail.

Because if it is Your will for me to go abroad, You will still be my provider even if the economy is bad and even if there’s the projected, prophesied or rather, calculated financial crisis “at the dawn” of the third or fourth/final blood moon.

Because going to an elite school does not make me a great student nor does going to a not so elite or prestigious school make me a not successful person.

Oh, Maranatha.

I declare, my soul, that He won’t lead you where He won’t go.

Friends

One major influence that helped me accept the concept of  being alone and not lonely is the South Korean drama Boys Over Flowers; especially the scenes where Ji-hoo aka Kim Hyun Joong aka the guy dressed in white who plays the violin (no his not my fav character in the series) spends time sleeping alone on some corners of the school’s staircase. There are also a few other TV shows which help me come to enjoy my own company.

In my first semester of college, I spent A LOT of time alone. I had a lot of time for myself, and I can do whatever I want whenever I want. I had a couple of lunch buddy but eventually we don’t eat together anymore because perhaps we couldn’t stand each other, and the workload gets heavier as the semester progresses. Sometimes, I’ll bump into some friends and then I’ll eat with them.

This was because I had my Communications Technology class on the 3rd period (which would end at 12pm). The thing problem was the class, everybody was so spread out from each other, and there were too much diversity (in other classes choice, ethnicity, etc), and there were very little interaction with one another.

In my second semester of college, I had a group of lunch buddies. Then towards the last few weeks, it just didn’t work out…because of assignments, stress, and other friendships.

And perhaps, another problem is me. I think I have communication problem. Mother always say that I’d have no friends because of the way I talk to her. There’s a whole lot of things influencing this so please don’t judge. One of it is my personality – Perception, and iNtuitive – I read between the lines and a lot of associations come into my mind and I get really frustrated of the negative comments she makes. Clash of personality. And there’s little to no discussion because to her, voicing my opinions is not discussion, it’s talking back.

Perhaps another problem is face problem. I need braces. I’m too poor to get it. I shall save up! But do I really want to give up three healthy teeth? I realize I have grand plans that are long term, e.g. deliberately spoiling my canine so that the doctor have to extract that instead of my molars.  HAH! I hope it works though.

I find that people have a problem with me, though others do the same or far worst, their problem with me seem greater. Grass is always greener on the other side. Maybe their friendship has problems too but I’m too caught up in a lot of more important things to care.

I had an epiphany recently concerning — “with the same measure you use to judge others, it will be measured against you.” A friend was commenting about my recent behaviours and as I reflect on the comments she made I used the same measure against her. One struggle I face as an INFP is that my one the spot answers are not wholesome. There are a lot of things and associations influencing my opinions and thoughts and a lot of times a short answer or the answer I give did not do justice to me as an individual, as an INFP.

Because I need to reflect and think things through….it’s like this “joke”

How many INFPs does it take to change the lightbulb?

I’ll get back to you as soon as I feel I have the right answer.

However, most of the time I don’t get to because I am put on the spot and I feel that I need to come up with an answer. I shall learn not to do that. I need to learn to be an onion. I realize this even more after a bizarre encounter with a stranger when I was walking to a cafe for a much-needed alone time to work on my assignments. If I had chosen to go along with my friends despite my stress level I would not have experience eating a 5.90 small spaghetti in After Black, and drinking mochatella in Garage 51, and especially having that encounter.

I need to learn to keep secrets. I need to learn not to open up myself too quickly.

I had a foretaste of what it is like, though I don’t feel it completely, I can say it’s like breaking up with a boyfriend. I never had any boyfriends but I have friends who had (bfs and gfs) and their advice to me was date freely but don’t be too involve, don’t give too much of yourself.

In one way or another, I felt that they left and abandoned me after I opened up to them about certain things, e.g. depression and a little of my family’s current financial. INFPs are the mostly likely ppl to go through “depression” during their college days. Maybe it was not intentional but it just happened that way. Maybe because another friend came into the picture and nobody would want to be friends with a quiet person with a unconventional sense of humor and response.

It seemed to me that most of the responses I were to give were deemed “digging my own grave” or “setting a bomb for myself”. INFPs are not very aware of the expected, conventional social behaviors. I really am unaware. It feels that I am the only one who doesn’t know how to communicate or respond. It felt that it’s okay when others behave unruly and it’s not okay for me to respond “improperly.” Foul words are deemed alright. Or when I become more vocal, it was commented that it was the negative kind of vocal but when asked to provide a specific example, none could be thought of.

When others behave improperly towards me it was not taken to note or taken into account, but my inner “hidden” feelings were brought into light and criticized. If only I am more aware about my feelings, my answers would have been different and perhaps I would be seen differently. Perhaps I would have stand on my point that “No, you’re being biased when you say this because you’ve been spending more time with her or maybe because you like her better.” Perhaps then I would not be so exposed and perhaps then I would not share even more and perhaps then perceptions would have been different. Perhaps then there won’t be this silence.

With the same measure I use to judge others, it will be used back to me.

This is also one of the reasons I usually don’t like to make negative comments out loud (unless my values are threatened), and also one of the reasons I get very frustrated and angry at mother and grandmother whenever they do it.

With the same measure others use against me, I will use it back against them.

And I found them none better, most of the time.

I guess, the best response from now on is silence…or “hmmm, let me reflect about this and I’ll get back to you as soon as I figure it out.”

Just act like an idiot.

There’s this quote about the comparison of suffering, just because I deem your suffering is less than mine does not mean that you are suffering less than me. We all respond to situations differently. Our biological made-up is different, so are our personality, background, and perceptions influenced by past experiences.

I am not using personality as an excuse, I am using personality to understand why did I behave the way I behave and to be more accepting of myself. Maybe I am trying to justify my behaviors on the account of “personality” but perhaps this is one of the few ways to remain sane rather than chastising myself with “why can’t I be more like this? why am I not this? why do I have to be like that?” Now that I understand and accept that it’s a personality thing, I can make a conscious effort to make a change knowing where is the root.

I wish that I have more clarity of thought and time to talk things through. I would really appreciate it if you don’t shut me out and up just because I don’t see things the way you do. I am waiting for the day when someone will actually be interested enough to hear me out – what are the reason and why I would like the world to come to an end soon, because I truly believe that there are a handful of people who share the same longing and beliefs and views as I have because of the things that we have read, seen, heard, felt…

“So let’s do it—full of belief, confident that we’re presentable inside and out. Let’s keep a firm grip on the promises that keep us going. He always keeps his word. Let’s see how inventive we can be in encouraging love and helping out, not avoiding worshiping together as some do but spurring each other on, especially as we see the big Day approaching.”  Hebrews 10:22-25, The Message

One of the reason I am writing this is for those who think that they are alone, but are not.

If not, I would not have shared.

I have so much more to learn.

Being myself is not enough.

lol, who can ever be enough.

the End of the Beginning

I graduated four days ago on the 5th of December 2014!

Yay! Like finally! So what do I do now with two North Amercian High School Diplomas? U.S. and Ontario. It may sound posh, North American High School Diploma but it is NOT! I’m over the conventional age.

I’m way passed the conventional age.

I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO FROM HERE. #infpproblem

GOD HELP ME.

I have a lot of thoughts inside my mind, a lot of disassembling, defragmentation, assembling to be done. I’m not a TJ, that’s the problem here. I’ve learnt a lot, some I would share, some it’s better that I don’t because it’s dangerous to leave footprints in the digital world. That was one of the reasons I stopped writing about my journey in CIMP here, other than there was actually no time to sit down to reflect and write.

We live in a society that praises E and shames I. J is praised while P is discouraged. And so we think the world is more extroverted than it really is, and those who are perceiving feel strange sometimes for not having the traits of a judging person.

A lot of times, TJs excelled excellently in the academics because of the way their thoughts process.

This year’s (this two semester’s) highest average holders are TJs.

ISTJ and INTJ.

My thoughts are like a ball mess of yarn. It’s like singing the alphabet song in this order A-B-M-Z-D-I-L-Q-S….

So, I shall attempt to write them down as they come…

1. I’m now listening to music from the classical music playlist I asked from Mr. Eric on the day prior to graduation. I heard some of them (esp the processional song) during last semester’s graduation and wanted the songs ever since but I forgot about it until Thursday when he was “sound-checking” for a short rehearsal. I was there at the SIS gymnasium hall for choir practice.

2. During the graduation ceremony, one of the hiccup was the choir singing the national anthems before all the graduates came in. How discouraging it must be for them. =(

3. I think I’ll miss my teachers more than friends.

4. I thought about Inception and how in the fantasy world I can immortalize the graduation day and visit that day physically whenever I want. But then again, life is about moving on, revisiting the past will only hurt me. There’s nothing much to hold on to anyways.

5. I need to learn to say my congratulations to people, miss one opportunity and it’s gone forever! because it’ll be awkward to do so. It’s better never than late.

6. I need to learn more to thank the right people. Often, I don’t say my thank you’s to people that matter more and people that have done more for me.

7. Friends. What are friends. I think the problem is me. But what is the problem? There needs to me another post for this.

8. A lot of times, it is good to break away from your usual group of friends to spend some time alone and to spend time with other people.

9. Is there a way to limit the extent of my perception capabilities because it is detrimental to me.

10. What do I want to study? What am I good at? What is God’s plan for my life? (need another post).

11. I need to increase my memory capacity – to store memories of conversations my beloved teachers have with me. I need to learn to look at them more in the eye and take in their words.

12. Two of my favorite teachers are around the same age as the guys in church and homes. =O

13. December is going to be a good month.

14. At one point, I actually thought the brand of laptop one use had a lot to do with academic achievement.

15. The advantage of disadvantage.

16. I didn’t get to take a picture with Vui and Ms. Nancy.

17. If my stomach can store food like some animals – I’d store a lot from the graduation lunch.

18. I actually didn’t want to wear the robe but then… the price of “nice” pictures is high. I didn’t want to wait another 3 years.

19. The whole of last week, except for Friday, I took public transport up to college for choir practice. I am one step more independent now.

20. “Brain size have nothing to do with intelligence.” – Ms. A

21. I need to try Candy Cane ice-cream. The Hersheys one I gave to Mr. Mark is the first one he had for this Christmas season. =D

k, till then

23 Things Only People Who Love Spending Time Alone Will Understand

Thought Catalog

Sascha KohlmannSascha Kohlmann

1. A weekend in which you have no plans, no responsibilities, and nowhere at all to be, ranks as one of the best weekends you’ll ever have.

2. Sometimes friends will try to make plans with you and you have no reason to decline except for the fact that you just want to be alone that day. (Your plan is to have no plans, people need to understand that by now, right?)

3. A good album, book, or television show can keep your attention far longer than any party, club, or bar could.

4. Going away to a remote cabin in the middle of the woods to just exist for a period of time sounds like the best idea for a vacation that you can think of.

5. There is nothing more exciting than planning a long, solo road trip, because you know you’re going to be able…

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Glorious Ruins

When the mountains fall
And the tempest roars You are with me
When creation folds
Still my soul will soar on Your mercy

I’ll walk through the fire
With my head lifted high
And my spirit revived in Your story
And I’ll look to the cross
As my failure is lost
In the light of Your glorious grace

Let the ruins come to life
In the beauty of Your Name
Rising up from the ashes
God forever You reign

And my soul will find refuge
In the shadow of Your wings
I will love You forever
And forever I’ll sing

When the world caves in
Still my hope will cling to Your promise
Where my courage ends
Let my heart find strength in Your presence