One major influence that helped me accept the concept of  being alone and not lonely is the South Korean drama Boys Over Flowers; especially the scenes where Ji-hoo aka Kim Hyun Joong aka the guy dressed in white who plays the violin (no his not my fav character in the series) spends time sleeping alone on some corners of the school’s staircase. There are also a few other TV shows which help me come to enjoy my own company.

In my first semester of college, I spent A LOT of time alone. I had a lot of time for myself, and I can do whatever I want whenever I want. I had a couple of lunch buddy but eventually we don’t eat together anymore because perhaps we couldn’t stand each other, and the workload gets heavier as the semester progresses. Sometimes, I’ll bump into some friends and then I’ll eat with them.

This was because I had my Communications Technology class on the 3rd period (which would end at 12pm). The thing problem was the class, everybody was so spread out from each other, and there were too much diversity (in other classes choice, ethnicity, etc), and there were very little interaction with one another.

In my second semester of college, I had a group of lunch buddies. Then towards the last few weeks, it just didn’t work out…because of assignments, stress, and other friendships.

And perhaps, another problem is me. I think I have communication problem. Mother always say that I’d have no friends because of the way I talk to her. There’s a whole lot of things influencing this so please don’t judge. One of it is my personality – Perception, and iNtuitive – I read between the lines and a lot of associations come into my mind and I get really frustrated of the negative comments she makes. Clash of personality. And there’s little to no discussion because to her, voicing my opinions is not discussion, it’s talking back.

Perhaps another problem is face problem. I need braces. I’m too poor to get it. I shall save up! But do I really want to give up three healthy teeth? I realize I have grand plans that are long term, e.g. deliberately spoiling my canine so that the doctor have to extract that instead of my molars.  HAH! I hope it works though.

I find that people have a problem with me, though others do the same or far worst, their problem with me seem greater. Grass is always greener on the other side. Maybe their friendship has problems too but I’m too caught up in a lot of more important things to care.

I had an epiphany recently concerning — “with the same measure you use to judge others, it will be measured against you.” A friend was commenting about my recent behaviours and as I reflect on the comments she made I used the same measure against her. One struggle I face as an INFP is that my one the spot answers are not wholesome. There are a lot of things and associations influencing my opinions and thoughts and a lot of times a short answer or the answer I give did not do justice to me as an individual, as an INFP.

Because I need to reflect and think things through….it’s like this “joke”

How many INFPs does it take to change the lightbulb?

I’ll get back to you as soon as I feel I have the right answer.

However, most of the time I don’t get to because I am put on the spot and I feel that I need to come up with an answer. I shall learn not to do that. I need to learn to be an onion. I realize this even more after a bizarre encounter with a stranger when I was walking to a cafe for a much-needed alone time to work on my assignments. If I had chosen to go along with my friends despite my stress level I would not have experience eating a 5.90 small spaghetti in After Black, and drinking mochatella in Garage 51, and especially having that encounter.

I need to learn to keep secrets. I need to learn not to open up myself too quickly.

I had a foretaste of what it is like, though I don’t feel it completely, I can say it’s like breaking up with a boyfriend. I never had any boyfriends but I have friends who had (bfs and gfs) and their advice to me was date freely but don’t be too involve, don’t give too much of yourself.

In one way or another, I felt that they left and abandoned me after I opened up to them about certain things, e.g. depression and a little of my family’s current financial. INFPs are the mostly likely ppl to go through “depression” during their college days. Maybe it was not intentional but it just happened that way. Maybe because another friend came into the picture and nobody would want to be friends with a quiet person with a unconventional sense of humor and response.

It seemed to me that most of the responses I were to give were deemed “digging my own grave” or “setting a bomb for myself”. INFPs are not very aware of the expected, conventional social behaviors. I really am unaware. It feels that I am the only one who doesn’t know how to communicate or respond. It felt that it’s okay when others behave unruly and it’s not okay for me to respond “improperly.” Foul words are deemed alright. Or when I become more vocal, it was commented that it was the negative kind of vocal but when asked to provide a specific example, none could be thought of.

When others behave improperly towards me it was not taken to note or taken into account, but my inner “hidden” feelings were brought into light and criticized. If only I am more aware about my feelings, my answers would have been different and perhaps I would be seen differently. Perhaps I would have stand on my point that “No, you’re being biased when you say this because you’ve been spending more time with her or maybe because you like her better.” Perhaps then I would not be so exposed and perhaps then I would not share even more and perhaps then perceptions would have been different. Perhaps then there won’t be this silence.

With the same measure I use to judge others, it will be used back to me.

This is also one of the reasons I usually don’t like to make negative comments out loud (unless my values are threatened), and also one of the reasons I get very frustrated and angry at mother and grandmother whenever they do it.

With the same measure others use against me, I will use it back against them.

And I found them none better, most of the time.

I guess, the best response from now on is silence…or “hmmm, let me reflect about this and I’ll get back to you as soon as I figure it out.”

Just act like an idiot.

There’s this quote about the comparison of suffering, just because I deem your suffering is less than mine does not mean that you are suffering less than me. We all respond to situations differently. Our biological made-up is different, so are our personality, background, and perceptions influenced by past experiences.

I am not using personality as an excuse, I am using personality to understand why did I behave the way I behave and to be more accepting of myself. Maybe I am trying to justify my behaviors on the account of “personality” but perhaps this is one of the few ways to remain sane rather than chastising myself with “why can’t I be more like this? why am I not this? why do I have to be like that?” Now that I understand and accept that it’s a personality thing, I can make a conscious effort to make a change knowing where is the root.

I wish that I have more clarity of thought and time to talk things through. I would really appreciate it if you don’t shut me out and up just because I don’t see things the way you do. I am waiting for the day when someone will actually be interested enough to hear me out – what are the reason and why I would like the world to come to an end soon, because I truly believe that there are a handful of people who share the same longing and beliefs and views as I have because of the things that we have read, seen, heard, felt…

“So let’s do it—full of belief, confident that we’re presentable inside and out. Let’s keep a firm grip on the promises that keep us going. He always keeps his word. Let’s see how inventive we can be in encouraging love and helping out, not avoiding worshiping together as some do but spurring each other on, especially as we see the big Day approaching.”  Hebrews 10:22-25, The Message

One of the reason I am writing this is for those who think that they are alone, but are not.

If not, I would not have shared.

I have so much more to learn.

Being myself is not enough.

lol, who can ever be enough.


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