Graduation was on the 6th of this month and I was one of the first to arrive and one of the last to leave. I went to the venue with a few fellow choirmates (our teacher picked us up on the dot 7:45am – as promised) and I went back with other teachers and staffs with one of my choirmates in the college’s van.
I did it. I thought about quitting. I chose to do it because it was better that
rotting staying at home. I chose to do it because I felt that if I didn’t I would disappoint God and that I would regret 10 years down in life (if the world is still around and I am still alive).
There’s much to say about that day, and the days before, but that’s not the point of this post.
The days after that day were rough. Maybe it’s a holiday depression. I had nothing to do and mother was nagging about how I should go and work.
You should realize by now (if one have read my previous posts) that most of the things that I wrote about here are pretty events – that are filled with hope and faith. That’s because I left out the ugly things I do no wish to remember or bring to remembrance years later when I read my blog again. Occasionally I would write those ugly things out (elsewhere). Ok, enough.
Now, it’s 2:36AM. the time to lucubrate. Some days ago I stumbled upon this in one of my vocab notebooks -incubrate : to work, study, write esp late at night. I searched the dictionary to verify but the word did not exist. So just only, I googled it. Then only I realize I misspelled it. lucubrate. this word makes me think of the word -lucid.
the days were so rough that it’s only in this couple of days that I am more focused to what I had planned to do – organize, burn, and delete the files in my laptop and pendrive to make space for the next semester. Not that there’s not enough space…I don’t want to see them anymore but I want them at hand if I ever need it. Oh, it’s the pendrive that doesn’t have space.
Mother suggest quite forcefully that I should work in McDonalds and tells me that I should be open to jobs. She then tells me of her friend (my prev schoolmate’s mother) and that she starting working whenever there’s holiday because she needs pocket money. Then she said that if she knew I was off for a month she would have blah blah blahs. I told her that McDonalds does not just hire someone for a month. And I told her of the working environment (communication problem) because you rarely see Chinese working in McDonlads in my area. Then she lectured me further about being choosy and blah blah blahs. Then she said there’s a lot of other work like standing as a salesperson for the Chinese Herbal Store in the mall.
I DON”T WANT TO MEET PPL. THERE”S SO MANY PEOPLE WHO GOES TO THE MALL. She knows and she lectured me about the notion of “saving face.” There goes the story of how she sells things in school and (still sells things now) and etc etc etc. Please note: as an INFP, I don’t want to be a salesperson. Then mother would say that if I am in a dire situation I would have no choice and etc etc etc.
Mother gets angry when I “talk back”. What’s the difference between her and a dictator when I can’t voice what I feel comfortably. ASIANS. This is why there’s always a strain in the relationship. Personality clashes. And worst still, now that grandmother lives with us, a caretaker would come 6 days a week from 7am – 7pm (on Saturdays 6pm). Gone is my personal space downstairs! unless she goes to my aunt’s salon to wash or dye her hair or when my other uncles bring her out. Those days are rare.
This year, I usually leave before that caretaker comes and comes back after she leaves. But holiday is here, and urgh. My attitude is bitchy towards them. We had some frictions. And grandmother violated some values and principles of mine and I dislike a lot of things that she does so am rigid towards her. infp problems.
I was watching “the Neighbors” a couple of days ago when mother came back and asked me whether I want to follow her to buy soap and shampoo. We wanted to go Tesco the day before but grandmother was with us and she can’t really walk. When I took longer than she expected in getting ready – the episode was nearing its end! – she was screaming. She found that my room’s door is locked and she questioned why. (I feel safer with it locked and I didn’t want father to disturb me. I want to be left alone. I was changing.) And she said loudly and questionably that I am watching some sensuous movie. Gosh! there’s ears everywhere. Why do you suggest so?
Then while on the flatten escalator, she went on again about work. I said that I would want to choose where I work. In a bookstore or something and (perhaps said that there’s the December holiday). She said that if she was me she would find work whenever there’s holiday. uh, miss. how is that suppose to happen? I can’t drive. And there will be bound to have some days where you can’t send me because of some appointments. to this, I know she would reply along the lines of “if there’s a will there’s a way. things are dead. Your brain in alive.” Then she said I could have worked with her lawyer friend. Miss, a month. What could I do? Type documents. So I said, well asked her then. Oh yeah, she wanted me to work with her friend who opened a licensed cafe in Subang. But her friend said that it’s just a month, and to be a barista would need a few months. Her friend told me that I am welcomed to work for her anytime. But it’s in Subang and there’s the transportation issue and mother said she’s willing to drive me back. The traffic condition there is one of the worst. I could take the train but I have not done it in that area before and mother was willing to accompany me once. But I am not hired because it’s just a month.
It was a strenuous conversation. Mother doesn’t accept my views. She’s such a dictator. I am silenced. She was the one who told me about “The first job is very important” radio talk show. And now she is rejecting the view in that I have to do every job on earth. But come on, I will be the one working. If I am to do a job I dislike, I’ll be burned out and depressed everyday.
Those “conversations” about work are so tense, stressful, strenuous, and depressing and I had to choice but to let it out by leaving a few more tiny holes on my wooden table. I feel caged. It is only these few days that I have more peace of mind and acceptance of my situation when I read my FB news feeds. Everybody’s somewhere and I am caged in my own room. Also, my personal space has been invaded since August last year.
Then she said that she doesn’t want to talk to me about it anymore because she was forcing me to sell socks to aunties and I told her that I am not the sales kind of person and who on earth should I approach (she say anyone at all -but she doesn’t approach strangers like that at all and expects me to do so). I have been trying to voice out that she expects me to do things that she doesn’t do behaviour-wise and she says that she does not like this attitude of mine. Like I give 50 and expect 50. self defense. I know what’s it’s like to give 80 and given 20 and I try as much as I can not to be that fool. How on earth should I balance “leaders lead by example” and “I am your mother so I am the dictator.” However, mother is quite a liberal and I have much freedom as compared to others. She’s the bread winner when father is passive and have been sitting at home reading and playing his classical guitar and watching movies all day after some incident that mother does not want to talk about and i think ignorance is bliss for me in this matter. Previously, he follows her and her partner out.
I was in a sullen mood and had no choice but to change mood when my friend’s parents saw me. Mother then mentioned about me and work to them and they laughed it off.
The thing is that the more one forces something down on me,the more I would reject it. I need days to process it. Yeah, I know that I need to do something. It’s no fun living in life without purpose and without something to keep my wanderful, yes, wanderful mind focus on meaningful and purposeful work. But what can I do. I don’t live in a homogeneous country and I am a minority. It’s troublesome for ppl to just hire me for a month. (mother: you need to assssssskkkkkkk).
it’s now 3:33 and I should go.
Now, my fees for the next semester is RM14,070 and I don’t know how is the money going to appear. There’s this important deal at hand that can determine the death of us or the reviving of our financial situation. The will of God is for us to have an abundant life and we have been in this cage for far too long. The wicked is more prosperous that than the children of God. How do you balance this will of God to give you the desires of your heart and the will of God to send you through the fire again just when you think it’s done and over (just because He thinks it’s good for you). In the meantime, His other children enjoy life to the fullest travelling and eating.
Mother laboured so much. And she gets scraps. This year is the year of double rainbows, of revival of old dreams and breakthroughs.
I fear that you will fail me.
“The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth.” Psalm 145:18
-Sher the INFP