It has been quite a weekend and two weekdays. Had been meaning to write but, the usual excuses
I am here now because I hope writing something here now will calm the anxiousness and restlessness in my chest. It feels like the world is caving in…
I actually wrote…but on my phone and need time to extract it out and paste it here.
I nearly miss the bus today. I slept earlier than I usually would and, the times when I slept early I woke up later.
I’m not quite sure why am I feeling such anxiousness…perhaps it’s just April – because of what is happening now, what is goanna take place in the coming days and weeks, maybe I am so futuristic that I want to get done with this month. Maybe the past 3 months have taken a toll on me. Maybe it’s because I didn’t do well in my previous International Business test. Perhaps I relied too much on my strength and too little on His. Maybe He is drawing me back to Him again so that I can learn to rest on Him more. Maybe I’m tired of the mundane. April is a crazy month.
Next weekend is the show and I would need to take a bus to rehearsals by myself and I have never done that before.
He told me to cast my burdens on Him, and to rest in Him, through a word of prophecy from an elder and through a song. But I have not make this for that. I did not put Him first. I need to do this but I don’t really know how. Maybe it’s because I fear deep waters. Maybe I’ve been thinking too much and comparing too much. Maybe
I feel so helpless. Control, maybe that’s the thing. I want to have some control over what is happening around me. Maybe I just can’t wait for everything to end. Maybe I’m afraid to face my fears. Maybe I have no been writing and tumblring for real for a long time.
I am afraid for myself. Ok sherwyn you can’t do it on your own. I need You to help and enable me. You brought this to me, please bring me through it. I don’t wanna screw up.
I was misunderstood in two consecutive rehearsals. I was holding my phone as like a form of security like how I need to have the pillowcase with me. And the conductor thought I was playing with it, the double bass player was not around so I had to play her part and I did not listen to other songs other than mine. I am not very good at timing and he had to repeat, and when I actually played it, it was too soft…or the volume was down. So he asked someone else to play instead. Later I found out that I wasn’t suppose to play the song. =(
Then on Sunday, two days ago, he was giving some instructions and I was holding my mp3 deciding whether to record or not and was looking at the score at the same time – I did heard what he said, and was looking into it and he called out my name and told me off infront of everyone-that I’ve got to stop playing with my phone during rehearsals. I said its not a phone. I doubt he heard and got what I meant. Later, he came to me and told me that I’ve got to stop doing that and I told him I was trying to record and he did not respond to what I said.
Inept. caught off guard. Caught in the moment. Would a pro musician wanna play the timpani on a keyboard? Oh right, he would have his share of other parts as well then. It feels like this would be the first and the last time.
Then, the stage manager was tipped off by one of the actors. He shouted at the top of his lungs, “I am the stage manager! Who are you?! Why are you talking to me like this?! The next time you do the same thing I’m goanna slap your face!”
Maybe I need to vent it out by exercising. Meh. Or by crying. Instead of keeping all these detrimental stuffs inside.
Ppl who write only when they’re very emotional…