Unworthy

Oh God, I am not worthy for this.

Yeah, “You will have many opportunities. You will stand back, look and say, knowing that, “it must be God.”

 Alright, so the thing here is God is just wanting to prove His faithfulness. That many times you’ve asked God to show His faithfulness. Alright, to show and to prove it to you. And in this season God will prove it to you. Alright, and God will prove it beyond your imagination. You’ll see how things will come and fall into place beyond your imagination. And you’ll see that it is of God and not of men. God is always wanting you to keep your eyes on Him and you’ll see that there’s supernatural things that you’ll do in your life; that it’ll be beyond, beyond explanation.

You have always wanted to learn the violin, then resolve that you would prefer the viola because the violin is too mainstream. You name the violin Raphael, the viola Seth, the cello Ephram. You used to air piano when your small world have not collided with the YouTube world of music. You used to dance to Strauss and other classical music in your ballet suit in the dim light in your room. You conducted the music that was played before National Service classes (you should have recorded it, you brought your recorder, you should check whether you have it), you play the conductor whenever you feel like it, you tried to forget this world because it’s quite a pain to think about it because your reality is a far cry from your ideal world of music. You tell yourself, “in eternity, so it shall be.” Your friend once commented that you may conduct an orchestra when kingdom comes. You thought about which composer might make the best piano teacher in heaven, and you sorta chose Haydn because he’s happier but in heaven everybody is perfect and a novice might do a better job in teaching. So then you sorta resolved to someone from the 18th century, since it’s timeless up there. You stopped loving music that much because of reality, because you thought He’s goanna come real soon and you wanted to concentrate on things that matter more, You stopped loving music that much because you know you are incompetent and it’s painful to acknowledge that, you stopped loving music that much because you are not in the ideal environment you think music lovers thrive in, you lack encouragement, and you are not even the last resort when the A-team in church needs a pianist or a keyboardist for their mega event.

You’re in a mess, that’s why you can be a message.

You’re at the lowest, and He chose to exalt you.

You’re such an outcast in the music world, and He chose you.

He qualifies the called.

By right, you shouldn’t even be in there. You are not qualified. At least you have a Grade 8 Theory and can read orchestral score. You lamented a couple of times on Twitter that why can’t worship songs be written in orchestral scores and now you are faced with it. You have not seen a Timpani first hand and now you’re playing it on the keyboard, and the Gong which you have yet to meet as well.

You are not as young and qualified as they are. The only experiences you have are by watching Nodame Cantabile and the Berlin Philharmonic (sometimes) and etc. You only know Sir Simon Rattle, the one with the white fuzzy hair, because of it. You have no degree in music. You passed your grade 6. Grade 7 was too easy for you but Grade 8 was just too much. You were lazy to practice the scales. You had no motivation back then. So many things were going on in your life at that time. So many bad choices were made prior to that. You now know better and you would definitely choose more wisely if you ever have children in the future if the Lord have not come yet.

You have problems playing a long piece perfectly, you have not entered any real music competition. That day of excellence piano event was crap, I don’t know how you even got a second place when you forgot the rest of the piece, urgh such discordant din. Maybe you gained the upperhand 10 points for not referring to the score. You don’t even play the guitar like the some other keyboardist your age does. You are a lowly one.

But you stood at the back that Sunday evening with your music file, highlighted parts on the orchestral score, and the sounds of the timpani that the keyboard makes was loud to you but soft to the conductor standing at the forefront. He told you to up the volume, you did while muttering “O My God.” The brass players in front of you must have heard you. The drummer looked like someone (most prob. from NS). The conductor remembers your name. The conductor is the principal of the prestigious music academy in Malaysia. You attempted to go there two Christmas before to check out the “talk of the town” but you couldn’t find the place and your mother was tired. You wanted to get your hands on a Steinway because you want to hear how does Arabesque I and II sound like on a Steinway. Would be sound like the ones on the CD, the surreal flow of notes which you can’t produce. You asked your senior who is excellent in music to play it and it sounded unlike the ones in the CD and you enquired of him and he told you that in order to do that you would have to live where they live, eat the food they eat, and experience what they experience. Arabesque II, how to produce sounds like the birds are chirping ? Serenade of the Doll! So during a warm-up/introduction meeting two weeks ago, the conductor played the introductory section of Arabesque and it sounded like notes. So, you tell yourself that you are not abnormal.

So you stood at the back, if you interpret it literally, you really did stand back, look and say, knowing that, “it must be God”.

You are okay with just the idea of it, you are okay with just being offered a role but denying it. It’s just the thought of it. Perhaps because you have not been offered things like that and think that it’s too good to be true or because you fear failure, you fear stepping forward. But this season (the significant year in the Hebrew calendar) you can’t because you read an article that told you that if you don’t step up and recognize what He has given you, you are disqualifying yourself from your destiny and things after that go downward.

So now you tell yourself that if He can bring it to you He will bring you through it. You told yourself not to write about this until it’s over because you have thoughts about calling it quits, perhaps someone more qualified can replace you, you are afraid to ask whether has the person who offered this to you asked your other more qualified friends; making you the last resort, but last resort is better than no resort at all, and you actually thought of telling her to make you the last resort but you saw this as a God given golden opportunity. At first the parts you had to play frightens you but after reviewing them you are more okay with it. You still need to up your “game” though.

But you are writing about this now because you looked them up on Facebook again after having a brief idea of whos who and you are humbled that you are actually in there. You actually met one of them on the elevator and she looked familiar. She’s such a talent. Don’t reveal about your capabilities because you have nothing to boast. Because albeit they’re playing the violin in this orchestra, their piano capabilities is most probably (99%) better than yours. That Sunday evening you told yourself once again that you can’t judge a person by his looks because you see people like them on the streets, in the mall, and in places when you chose to go out instead of spending me-time in your own place of solitude.

till then.

In addition, I just remembered that that day, an auntie (we address ppl as aunties and uncles here) came to visit my grandmother – who is staying in the same house I’m living in- and she told my grandmother that God doesn’t see how excellent (li hai) you are, He sees your availability. 

Many qualified musicians were asked, but they had prior commitments. So in a way, I’m kinda the Last Resort. 

but I’m absolutely fine with that…I feel unworthy, even.

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